“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
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[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.