Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves

If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident

My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.

Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?

-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family

the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.

If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.

You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…

Doughnuts never do that.

1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”

20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh

Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏

If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.

Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow

You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am

In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.

Rose: I’ll never let go

Jack: are you sure aboat that lol

Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before

Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo

Rose: maybe you should let go

[Our bedroom, morning]

Alarm clock: *beeps*

Wife: *presses snooze*

Alarm clock: *beeps*

Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM

After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!

I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on

💁🏻‍♂️

If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?

I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.

[at grocery store]

Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?

Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s

guys are so hard to buy for

like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??

My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.

Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff

Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.

Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”

ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better

SURGEON: How did you get in here

Me: Pikachu, I choose you!

Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet

If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.

It can either sync or swim.