[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
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When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Gods work.
If snakes were wide
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
felt that
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it