Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.

Please don’t block me.

I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night

Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”

-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…

”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”

*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day

Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!

Farmer: Netflix and till

Moonshiner: Netflix and still

Estate planner: Netflix and will

Dentist: Netflix and drill

Attorney: Netflix and bill

Mountaineer: Netflix and hill

Doctor: Netflix and ill

Pharmacist: Netflix and pill

Jack: Netflix and Jill

There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy

I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.

I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.

it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey

I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle

I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard

You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…

*tries to turn on TV*

TV: I have a boyfriend

Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”

Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.

I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.

When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.

If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops

How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”

Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.

*at least it’s a short knife.

You had ONE job!

– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.

[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”

BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!

“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”

Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner

[Audition for the musical Cats]

Director: Act like a cat for me

Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you

Director: Perfect

why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics

So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.

Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare

Librarian: which one?

Me: William

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat