I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
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I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Nice try, NASA
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18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit