Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up

*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth

Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:

To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names

For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it

Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.

Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit

Son using Ouija board: HEY MA

A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.

I’m so glad the internet is like this now.

Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.

Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years

Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.

18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.

MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.

Overall productive day..

*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist

start pet casino? explore legality

shit this isn’t my notes app

Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds

[Scooby Doo at an interview]

Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.

*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*

Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM

We’re having lobsters for dinner .

Update – we have pet lobsters now

How to pick up a girl in a club:

1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff

A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.

*kicks the door in*

PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR

*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*

I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.

BRAKING NEWS!!

If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.

[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED

Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.

Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.

Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.