I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
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Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
the composer
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?
Tequila mockingbird.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
I have never related to anyone more.
dog: [brings sticks inside]
me: no that belongs outside
me, at Christmas time: [brings entire tree inside]
dog: what the actual shit is this
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.