Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.

[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted

I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited

“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article

*gets period*

“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”

[Element Support Group]

Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming

*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.

A double negative is a big no-no.

My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”

Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”

I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.

Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.

[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS

“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”

No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.

Nobody:

My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?

crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged

Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.

Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!

Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?

Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…

I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.

I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.

I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener

What a year we’ve had this week.

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.

🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon

First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.

watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth

In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby

Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?

Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us