I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
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What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.