Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”

Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:

1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium

Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.

[my funeral]

college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium

Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.

Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.

Can i borrow your truck?

Me: no problem just read the dashboard

Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”

Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.

*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*

Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.

My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.

Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot

Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body

I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.

It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.

me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente

ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?

CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?

ME: I am not.

Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.

He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?

I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.

My dad is describing in great detail how he would kill the grinch while My mom is cooking breakfast for sixteen people.

KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”

My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock

[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!

me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats

In case you needed to hear it:

Obituaries should have clickbait titles

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”

Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time

Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”

Kong’s very sensitive.