Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂

i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket

If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.

Love this joke:

Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!

I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel

I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.

I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.

Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door

“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”

My love language is hissing.

There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.

Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.

Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?

Goldfish: I forgot

Goldfish 911: Forgot what?

Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?

Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW

1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”

3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day

tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell

My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order

If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby

[trying to impress a girl]

Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*

i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective

My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.

Me: I’ve had a breakdown.

Tow truck company: Where’s your car?

Me: Car?

Happy Caturday!

Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]

*gets Ouija board*

Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?

One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police

One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?

Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?

I just gave my cat a bath.

Your move Satan.

When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.

if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for