I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat
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Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
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becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
i actually laughed 😩
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[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what