I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat
You Might Also Like
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat
JK it’s spam
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.