I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
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Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
When a food fight breaks out during Thanksgiving dinner, creamed corn casserole finally reaches its full potential.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”