I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
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Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
relationship goals
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated