Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”

One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.

Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.

that lip filler tho

horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts

SON: What’re you doing?

ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!

SON: Cool

ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!

Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.

i kicked the back of her seat ONE time

Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”

nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in

Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping

Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house

Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse

Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage

If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.

Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything

I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.

Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.

I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.

one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar

Rich People Podcasts are wild.

The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.

I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.

And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.

Therapist accidentally sent me her cat

“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon

Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that

If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.

“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.

Wow, your teeth are white.

Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?

I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out

Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.

Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.