Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner

Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.

Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.

Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?

I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.

Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us

Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.

Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.

*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*

Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —

Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?

Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”

Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.

Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.

It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”

On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.

*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*

Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.

Wife: “What did your teacher remember about September 11th?”

Nine-year-old: “She was only four then, she doesn’t remember it at all.”

I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.

I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”

don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die

Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies

The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.

[on an airplane]

Me: Is the pilot any good?

Flight attendant: One of the best

Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?

Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail

[Surrounded by a million deer]

Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.

Homer: D’oh.

Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”

All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.

me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit

her: that’s not so bad

[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luck

her: I see

*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:

I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??

Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!

*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape