I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
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My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.