I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
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me: my friends:
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.