I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
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So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
you stereotypes are all alike
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot