I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
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Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.
Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me