I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
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When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Spring cleaning checklist…
