I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
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Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?