I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
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INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]