Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours

Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.

Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next

Pretending I’m asleep so my boss has to carry me to the meeting.

Netflix suggested I watch my kids.

Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.

Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.

Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’

*Getting pulled over*

Me: I knew we should have Uber’d

My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool

Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.

Tomorrow is school picture day

Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes

Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes

Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.

Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–

Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!

Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through

Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead

Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.

step 6: release the wall snake

Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?

Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.

BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond

if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor

[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”

BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!

“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”

I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.

It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.

Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”

Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”

*sound of hooves in kitchen*

*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*

The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.

Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.

taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you

Jupiter

sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot