Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.

Just went to the Oreo website and hit “accept all cookies” … and now we wait

WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.

ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?

It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.

[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT

Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…

STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves

How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?

Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.

Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.

My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.

Me [aghast]: My child?

Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is

“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.

Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”

Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails

My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours

Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘effusive’

“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”

That is correct. What was your name?

“It’s Siv”

I know lmao [hi5s other judge]

I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]

How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?

If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?

COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good

“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.

My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.

Me: …Dad, this is a card game.

In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.

her: can you pick up the house

me: *putting on back brace* I can try

I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.

“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.

“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.

I screen shot the stupidest shit. There is no way I’ll ever actually make protein pudding or “natures Gatorade.”