I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
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What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
9 circles of hell in this economy?
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
