Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.

Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.

I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.

Me: there’s no “u” in team

Canadian: we’ll see about that bud

LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied

I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”

DON’T STOP BELIEVING!

…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time

Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.

Me redecorating every room in my mind

My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”

there are 2 types of people:

– those who love deviled eggs

– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”

If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are

As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.

Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name

Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.

Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”

Toddlers don’t GAF.

GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.

ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.

[getting arrested after heist]

Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout

Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this

My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…

Me, in the DMV waiting room

*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*

Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying

Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day

My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.

quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes

quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows

quarantine day 7: tequila

I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.

Gynecologist: …

Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me

BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”

if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work

[summoning the devil]

me: come to us!

satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?

mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-

me: mom get out!

satan: susan is that you?

mom: oh my god! satey?

satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?

FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords

not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it

I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.