Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally

Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew

Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.

This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.

HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected

I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment

[Married pillow-talk]

Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.

Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!

ME: Hey they’re playing our song.

HER: This isn’t our song.

ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…

99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.

Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?

HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.

ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.

Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.

My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags

I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.

I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood

one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague

*starts the dishwasher*

*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*

As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.

Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.

Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…

Self-cleaning conscience

Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”

can’t believe I got front row seats

just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years

[job interview for psychic]

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME: Well played.

I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids

I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.