I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
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Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
They grow up so quick
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
🙂🙃🥹
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs
my children:
me:
my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?