I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

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“Not yet.”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
-Deer crossing the road


Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.


God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.


On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.


HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato


I bet Yoda was pretty hot before he turned into an old Asian lady.


date: i like a guy who’s strong-

me: i can bench 130 lbs

date: enough to tell the truth

me: on the moon


My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.


Is rage cooking a thing? It should be, it’s happening right now.

Who wants 16 twice baked potatoes?