I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

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Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.


girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts


If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.


Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.


Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold


I got fired on my first day as a paramedic for trying to revive everyone with true love’s first kiss.


Someone’s only cute till they leave one of your texts on read.