I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
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Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
I am a gravy boat captain
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber