@Midgetspar

I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.

You Might Also Like

@TheBoydP

Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.

@Bexdora

KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!

@WGladstone

When God closes a door, he opens a window. So God’s pretty clearly getting high in his dorm room.

@xhellwifex

No YOU’RE the stalker.

(I write on your work bathroom mirror in blood)

@AKATriple

So apparently it’s rude if somebody asks if you have a light & you tell them they’ll have to go to the end of the tunnel to find it…

@IvoryGazelle

Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next

Gazelle: ok

Monkey: ok

Zebra: ok

Elephant: oh no

@WilliamAder

If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.

@thedad

[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows