Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
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KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
When God closes a door, he opens a window. So God’s pretty clearly getting high in his dorm room.
This was the best day of my life
No YOU’RE the stalker.
(I write on your work bathroom mirror in blood)
So apparently it’s rude if somebody asks if you have a light & you tell them they’ll have to go to the end of the tunnel to find it…
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Elephant: oh no
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
God: nobody knows