I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
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[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Any refunds available?…
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling