Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.

I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.

6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?

me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?

My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.

Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping

Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me

After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.

Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.

My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)

I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it

God: [making trees]

Trees: yay

God: [making beavers]

Trees: nonononono

College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens

Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:

i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.

Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.

If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that

[On a date at a restaurant]

So this is nice huh?

“Yea,uh, who’s that?”

*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*

Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?

Hey, is that guy dead?

I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”

Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.

Some people are hope, some people are nope.

Choose wisely.

I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn

It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.

I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.

And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.

I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.

pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”

In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them

The USS B port

The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”

Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?