I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
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I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?