I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
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Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Every BBC series about the universe.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Now this is how you LinkedIn
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”