@CheryeDavis

I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.

You Might Also Like

@chuuew

MUGGER: Empty your pockets

ME: Do I have to?

MUGGER: NOW

ME: [pulls out heart locket with pic of robber inside]

MUGGER: [wipes away single tear with his knife]

@ShortSleeveSuit

[on an airplane]

Me: Is the pilot any good?

Flight attendant: One of the best

Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?

@mellimelle

Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.

@KrazykurtKurt

I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha

@adult_keverage

Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?

Everything. Every single thing in the world.

@TheSharona06

My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.

@roxiqt

[God making coconuts]

ANGEL: Hair on the outside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: Milk on the inside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.

Him: You know why.

Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*

@thenatewolf

My love is like the sea, the deeper it gets the weirder it gets.