I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.

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My dad: you know how you Love Christmas

12 yo me: yes

My dad: How would you feel about two of them


Overheard greasy spoon cafe wisdom:

“You don’t wash your hands. You stand and watch your hands wash each other.”

Think on.


The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”

I whispered back, “bring pizza”


I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.


[reading dinosaur book]

8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl

ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus

8: how did you ever get laid?


fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats


I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.


This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.