@CheryeDavis

I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.

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@bewgtweets

My dad: you know how you Love Christmas

12 yo me: yes

My dad: How would you feel about two of them

@EwinsEamon

Overheard greasy spoon cafe wisdom:

“You don’t wash your hands. You stand and watch your hands wash each other.”

Think on.

@Kbrizz1

The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”

I whispered back, “bring pizza”

@SwedishCanary

I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.

@AndyAsAdjective

[reading dinosaur book]

8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl

ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus

8: how did you ever get laid?

@dril

fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats

@UnFitz

I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.

@iMikosnyc

This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.