MUGGER: Empty your pockets
ME: Do I have to?
ME: [pulls out heart locket with pic of robber inside]
MUGGER: [wipes away single tear with his knife]
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
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I wish chlamydia was as hard to get as it is to spell.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
My love is like the sea, the deeper it gets the weirder it gets.