I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
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By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
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Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”![]()
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
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Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI