I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
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All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
They’re stuck in your pants?
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
😭😭😭
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing