Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot

The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕

No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.

I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…

My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.

*gives them a cookie when they come in*

My dogs are so stupid.

if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me

I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.

Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.

Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”

7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”

Me: “Yes.”

[4 minutes later]

7yo: “What about pants?”

doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry

bigfoot: weird

I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”

Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .

Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.

Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.

Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.

“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”

“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”

Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.

People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time

My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”

It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.

I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.

“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.

why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”

Me: “Not this tired.”

A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not

Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.

“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

Me: are you or are you not my people?

My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.

Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.

‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am