I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
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If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Ad placement of the day
#ooh
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others