I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
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BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
I hate when that happens.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments