I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
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Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
The only equipped I am is ill.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
A comic by Hugleikur Dagsson
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.