I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
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My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Last Christmas I gave you my heart and the very next day you regifted it to your janitor.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today
Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”