Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.

I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference

People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.

“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”

Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out

‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’

– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.

Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.

Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.

ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.

THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.

ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”

Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.

Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.

No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?

Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.

Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.

[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”

She: I like Cats
He:

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts

HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!

Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale

Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?

Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?

I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”

Google search history:

-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe

When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.

If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.

Why am I like this?

Are you dating a bunch of bees?

*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*

Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.

Why are bridges so flammable.