Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?

Me: um…

6: when plants die can they be ghosts?

Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.

[autopsy]

Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever

Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.

I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking

The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing

Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché

Me: We are underbudget this month!

Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*

Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”

She says “Burger King.”

I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.

I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.

Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today

Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?

I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.

I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.

Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again

‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place

Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.

[Robbery]
– Give me everything you have!
– I’ve only got this defective set of scales.
– Just hand it over!
– You’ll never get a weigh with this.

For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar

Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them

Step 2:Become a lawyer

Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love

Step 4:Become rich

[My funeral]

Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential

PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals

ME: no problem

[later w/ a group]

ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…

I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.

So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.

the hypocrisy of humans judging a cat for hunting a bird like they’re not ordering chicken nuggets with zero remorse

Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.

“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.

i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself

Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss

the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget

The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.