Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”

Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?

Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.

At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.

4yo: fold me like a towel

Me: what?

4yo: FOLD ME

Me: okaaay

4yo: stack me on top of the towels

Me: what?

4yo: STACK ME

Parenthood is wild

God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then

read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of

So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.

AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire

My wife working in our garden: How does it look?

Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.

[interview]

BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?

ME: No…miscommunication

BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication

ME: See?

With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.

HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?

Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?

Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.

Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.

Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze

Me: please put your pants back on

[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?

I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.

That was a trip down memory lane

Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.

6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.

Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!

Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*

Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*

We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.

*[At the dinner table]*

“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”

Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.

Me now: I would never date anyone.

Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”

Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.

After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.

“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block

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