“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
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Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.