Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.

My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.

To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.

“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.

I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL

Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.

Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.

Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.

(pouring whiskey)

Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?

Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.

Wife:

Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.

I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon

1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos

I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something

I would throw myself under a duvet for you.

cat people: dogs are fine

dog people: cats are sent from the devil

*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-

My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in

In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.

I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.

Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.

Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning

People with no volume control stress me out.

I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.

If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby

Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.

[horror movie in 2169]

The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE

[entire audience faints]

Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.

It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t

You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.

i made a craigslist ad !

It could be worse.

You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.

*Googles myself*

“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”

… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.

The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.