I’m glutton sensitive. I overreact when people eat more than their fair share of pizza.
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[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
In my 20’s: jingle all the way!
In my 40’s: jingle til around six thirty
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
two people or more is called a problem
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
mice after a breakup be like “we are not on squeaking terms”
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.