I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
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Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.
menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
technique
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.