I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
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Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
This Thanksgiving my 27 year old liberal nephew will be fighting my 58 year old conservative uncle at the dinner table in case Netflix wants to film that too
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.