I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
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Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.
The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.
You are what you delete.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
This pepper has seen some $h1t.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate