I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
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My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.
I do this on a Steffi Graph.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
What legos do when we’re not looking.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.