Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible

Me: This is the worst escape room ever.

Boss: This is your job.

day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.

[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.

911 – 911 what’s your emergency

Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV

911 – ….

Me – I don’t know our emergency number

I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.

FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex

ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that

I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”

My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.

Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?

Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?

Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.

me: are u 2 girls from England

them: Wales u idiot

me: sorry are u 2 whales from England

Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶

I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.

Dear Stephen Hawking,

You’re not the boss of us.

Sincerely,
hawks

Card reader: this is not looking good

Me: mf’er, reshuffle it

[first day as a torturer]

Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.

Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.

*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*

Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.

My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.

*finally drifting off to sleep*

Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK

When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.

I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious

Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.

Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.

In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.

I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought

Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman

Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.

My bladder: Hahaha.