I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’
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[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads