Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?

[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]

The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.

WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.

ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?

ME: I’m scared of dying alone.

SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.

I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?

I’m a people person.

Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.

I’m a pizza person.

A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.

My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.

Who does Amazon think I am?

You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.

You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..

My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.

the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard

Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?

Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now

When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”

My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week

this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this

Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!

9: But I didn’t

Me: Not now but it could have hit him

9: But it didn’t

Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt

9: But he didn’t

Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)

*receives a monthly bill*

didn’t i just pay this last month??

My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol

The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.

Me: Did you like that story?

5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.

Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.

5: There’s another ending? Tell me.

Me: You don’t need to know.

5: Tell me, Tell me!

Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!

Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you

Cats: no it’s murder

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.

But no, she’s still alive.

*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*

*tries to turn on TV*

TV: I have a boyfriend

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.

Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems

Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now

Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.