Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

crochet youtube is brutal

I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.

Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!

Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.

Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.

Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.

My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.

BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.

My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.

The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.

I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.

Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?

5: I need you to give me some money.

Me: Why?

5: Let me worry about that.

Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.

[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*

If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.

buys donuts instead

Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!

Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?

Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.

Wife: cuddle?

Me: ok

Wife: I mean with me

Me: *with my teddy bear* right

Client – is your boss available

Receptionist – he’s currently una –

Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes

“Morning, how was your weekend?”

What in the hell is “disposable income”?

Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.

By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.

BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop

*waking up to dog kisses*

Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…

I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming

Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please

*entering first day of prison*

“Are you guys mad at me?”