Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”

mom had nothing to worry about

we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse

my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood

When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher

When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.

Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women

[in living room]

Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it

[Commercial]

*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*

Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”

[On Screen Caption]

TEETH

Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.

I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.

[Friday morning meeting]

Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*

Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.

Me: It’s Friday the 13th?

My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?

It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.

The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.

i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down

When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down

So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .

Guess who got his yard cut?

“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.

Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.

I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.

Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.

After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.

I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.

[doing a crossword]

friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony

me: baby horse

friend: no like fake

me: unicorn jr

*Reads your ransom note*

*Edits for grammar and punctuation*

Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.

Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear

Him: cuts ear off

Her: I just wanted u to listen to me

Him: nah, I’m good

If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.

DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?!

[Me to the cicada as it hits my car]

You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.

[At work]

What can I do to pass the time?