I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
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How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
ME: and the hell, is it fresh?
2025: oh yes, the freshest
ME: wonderful, and is that my…
2025: your handbasket, yes
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
I have a bitch face but I’m a parent so it’s never resting
Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”
The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
I’m terrified of escalators so I’m taking steps to avoid them
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.