I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
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My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
selfie game
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters