I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
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A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”