I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
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My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Happy Friday
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
life finds a way
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted