Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”

For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.

Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.

The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.

She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!

*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*

i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far

Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide

People: lol nah

Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL

By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”

You’re the unreachable booger of people.

[meeting]

BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan

ME: Perhapselline?

MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?

B: You’re incredible, Gary

This is going to be a meme FOREVER:

I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔

You’re how old?

*does quick math in head*

Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!

-justifying a bad decision with math

Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying

If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..

I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.

Me: Do you like my novel?

Publisher: it’s a tree

Me: I told you it was in the early stages

HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.

ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.

Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.

Him: You are a souless ginger.

Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.

Him: Funny!

Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.

Him: *nervous laugh*

Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store

Cashier: …why are you telling me this?

I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.

Tell my story.

TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.

Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”

He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.

“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.

Blindsided me.

Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.

For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.

lmfao come on

Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!

Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?

*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!

Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure

Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.

If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.