Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]

Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.

Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.

It’s been a good 12 months for dogs

I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔

So, I turned it into wine.

I’d love this before and after shot…lol

My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.

grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight

if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993

*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS

ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?

FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!

ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything

I’ve been learning to cook.

for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them

Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:

me: i need directions please

stranger: you need to go north and –

me: left or right

stranger: it’s a little more complex than that

me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT

Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.

5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.

It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.

Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.

Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?

If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.

It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.

guys are so hard to buy for

like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??

H: where did you move after your divorce?

Me: On.
I moved on.

Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles

Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two

Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa

her: aww you’re a cat dad!!

me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings

her: oh-

me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds

her: i… um…

me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies

her: yay!!!

If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.

I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.