Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: can you work overtime?

me: *nodding* and space

A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.

If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.

1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed

1 AM: I should reorganize the garage

*1st date*

“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”

*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*

“Hellooo soulmate”

some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures

My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.

If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.

[torturing terrorist]

[plays EDM]

[beat rises]

[beat keeps rising]

[beat rises endlessly]

Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING

Every work meeting this week

told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”

You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.

[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*

I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER

* has cake for breakfast

* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber

* blames running shoes

I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me

lot going on here, legally speaking.

ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.

As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.

*plane missed the runway

I could not be more annoyed

*checks Twitter*

Ok, I’m more annoyed

*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*

waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.

The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.

People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.

Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.

For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.

Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.

Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?

Me: “Cadbury eggs.”

Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.

[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]