I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
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The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
*updates tinder bio*
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.