I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
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The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping
Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
bat life
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
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1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
LMAO
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.