“I’m going in the back for a Zoom meeting.”
“Why are your meetings always right when the kids all flood into the library after school?”
“The committee chair schedules the meetings.”
“Who’s your committee chair?”
“I refuse to answer on the grounds that it may incriminate me.”
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
