“I’m going in the back for a Zoom meeting.”
“Why are your meetings always right when the kids all flood into the library after school?”
“The committee chair schedules the meetings.”
“Who’s your committee chair?”
“I refuse to answer on the grounds that it may incriminate me.”
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
He looks like he’s got a lot to say
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.
